Marvels of my Mother

You know sometimes I marvel at my mother. I am so impressed and sometimes surprised at how strong she is. Growing up I always said I was going to make a lot of money. That I wanted a lot of money, as much as I love buying things, the real reason I wanted to be rich was because I wanted to live castle. I want to live a multimillion home, have a huge garden and library. A grand kitchen and ballroom. The older I get the more I want it and the more I realize that what everyone wants. Maybe not those exact thing, but we all want more. A bigger house, more money, maybe just some debts paid, one less credit care bill to worry about. My mother has never said what she wants. In the three homes that we have moved in to, never once does she complain about wanting more. At least not to her kids. My family rented homes for most of my life. But for as long as I can remember, my mother has treated every home that we have rented as her own. Painting the walls, redoing the bathroom in little ways that make it feel more like ours. My mother never asked for more; but by her actions, I am only just now realizing that she truly wanted so much more. Dreamt of so much more.

            We have just moved into our fourth home, and this one , my parents have bought. They are finally homeowners, and at the nineteen, I can see how much my parents love the feeling of fixing up this house and making it theirs; and actually having it be theirs. How it is more apparent now than ever, that while my mother is not asking for more, she wished she had more.; just like everyone else. She just doesn’t say it. And that why I am so impressed by her. She had dreams as kid. She was just like me once. Just starting out life and imagining how great it can be. Maybe she wanted castle. Maybe she wanted a white house by the beach. But instead she lived in homes that they only borrowed. Now that they own a home, half way through their lives, I can tell, not by here words, but her actions, that she feels trapped. That she wants more.

            The house is a great house, honestly. But I can see she feels restless. In every other house we had, we were borrowing it. (unlike how this one is permanent),by borrowing homes it meant  her dreams of more could still be met some day. However now that she owns a home that doesn't fit her dreams, living in her dream home, seem further away. She always did the best she could to give herself a garden. Mother like daughter, she wants a big garden too. She never said it but I can tell. And this house; it has no room for a garden, though she is trying.

For the first nineteen years of my life (I am almost 20) my parent have never owned their home, but they have a land in Pensacola, Florida. I never understood why they never sold it, we weren’t using it and at times we could have used the money, but while I would over hear them talking about, they never did. When we first bought the house, just few month ago, they said they would only be here about ten years, just enough to save money because the mortgage is less than our rent was. Then they said they were going to move again. They didn’t say where, but I’m old enough to understand now. They don’t want to live here. They never did. Their dreams did not have them here. It has them on their land in Florida. In a home they built themselves. That’s why they never sold their land, selling their land would be like selling their dream. but just like in the movie UP, referring to the dream of paradise falls, life got in the way.

            Despite having this dream, knowing that it will still be years before they get there, they live on and make the best of each situation they are in. And my mother continues to make every house, as close to the one she dreams about. Close, but never how she pictures it. And still she doesn’t complain or ask for more.

And that’s why I marvel at her. For that strength is something I don’t have. I think I would have given up on my dream along time ago. And she hasn’t, they haven’t, and that why I am so impressed, that for every house we get into, she starts all over again, trying to make it that much closer to the house she still dreams of, but doesn’t have.

love Fey